So, You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character!
by Southern Shinigami
Summary: PG13 for language. The author, that's me, explains to the the public, that's you, on how to be a Final Fantasy character, with the help of your favorite characters. Task for you after each chapter. HEY! Here comes a new chapter! Read and review... please?
1. Heroes, Heroines, Villains, and fighting

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is a creation of Hironobu Sakaguchi, and is owned by SquareSoft, a division of Square Enix, co. Not me. If I did, there would be quite a bit of changes, though. I guarantee it. By the way, the personalities of the characters of Final Fantasy I are not mine, but are those of 8-bit Theater, and its creator, Brian Clevenger. Also, "P-I-M-P" was not written or recorded by me, but by 50 Cent.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Southern Shinigami. I used to be a good writer, until my autistic muse left me. But now, I've got a new muse, and we're ready to unleash. Enjoy…and be warned. For no one is spared...

**So You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character**

**Chapter 1: Heroes, Villains, Heroines, and Fighting**

**By Southern Shinigami**

INT. BASEBALL STADIUM IN NEW YORK (Pick One)

Cast members of Final Fantasy's VIII – X-2 are gathered on the Infield. Behind home plate, there's a podium. Oh yeah, the stadium's at full capacity.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, now here to do a presentation on the basics of being a Final Fantasy Character, Southern Shinigami!

(Stadium erupts, but some characters are not happy)

Zell Dincht (FF8): He's gonna what?

Wakka (FFX/X-2): He's gonna teach us how to be us? He's gotta be kiddin', ya?

Amarant Coral (FF9): This is stupid. Who is this idiot?

Adelbert Steiner (FF9): Show some respect for the author, you ruffian!

Amarant: …Bite me, you tin can.

Steiner: WHAT WAS THAT!

Paine(FFX/X-2): I agree with Red Dreads over there. This is a waste of time.

Irvine Kinneas(FF8): Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are **you** doing here?

Paine: This is the re-write. What do you expect, cowboy?

Irvine: Good point.

Cid Highwind (FF7): Will you all shut the f#!k up? You're all f#ng annoying!

Quistis Trepe (FF8): Hey! There are children present! (points to Eiko and Vivi)

Eiko Carol (FF9): I'm not a kid, I'm a lady!

Vivi Ornithuh (FF9): Eiko, I'm older than you. You're 6 and I'm-

Eiko: SHUT UP!

(Southern Shinigami runs from out the home team's dugout to the podium…fixing his pants. Lulu notices this)

Southern Shinigami: Heh heh. Sorry I'm late.

Lulu (FFX/X-2): Were you fooling around, again, with-

S.S.: Don't worry about it. Anyways, welcome Final Fantasy fans. Today, I'm here to explain to you the basics of being a Final Fantasy character, meaning from looks to personality.

Yuffie Kisreargi (FF7): Hey, what gives you that right?

S.S.: The fact that I've ended each of your games thoroughly, several times each.

Yuffie: That's good enough for me. Continue.

S.S.: Thank you. Let's begin at the top. First off, you've got your lead male character, or the hero. The one who everyone looks for to lead them to victory… even if they want it, or not. Will the four heroes step forward?

(Cloud Strife, Squall Leonhart, Zidane Tribal, and Tidus (not special enough to have a last name) all step forward)

S.S.: Now, here you have the heroes: Cloud Strife of Final Fantasy VII (crowd cheers and does a salute), Squall Leonhart of Final Fantasy VIII (does a SeeD salute, and the fangirls go crazy)

Fangirl #1: (screaming) I LOVE YOU, SQUALL! AHHH!

Fangirl #2: (also screaming) I LOVE YOU TOO, SQUALL!

Squall Leonhart (FF8): …Whatever. (Fangirls faint)

S.S.: Uh…yeah. Anyway, there's also Zidane Tribal of Final Fantasy IX (does victory pose and crowd cheers), and Tidus of Final Fantasy X (flashes smile. Fangirls faint and Blitzball fans cheers). Y-yeah. Anyway, what makes these guys heroes is this simple formula. First, you have to have pretty hair.

Barrett Wallace (FF7): Dat spikey-haired ass? Pretty hair? You're kidding me, right?

Cait Sith (FF7): He's right, Shini. Cloud looks more like a Super Saiyajin from Dragon Ball Z.

(Everyone, except Cloud and S.S., agree)

S.S.: (irritated) Ok, ok. You have to, either, have pretty hair or look like a Super Saiyajin, ok? (Calms down) Secondly, you have to have a really fucked-up childhood.

The 4 heroes: WHAT?

Tidus (FFX/X-2): What do you mean "fucked-up childhood"?

Quistis: Kids!

Everyone else: SHUT UP!

S.S.: (sarcastic) Hmmm… I don't know. Let's see. Cloud was hated by everyone in Nibelheim, so probably to avoid suicide or therapy, he ran away to join SOLDIER, which he never made!

Cloud Strife (FF7): (obviously angry) …Shut up.

S.S.: Squall, the unknown son of Laguna, grew up in an orphanage with most of his cast, and Ellone, his "sis". When she left, he grew all cold, and into what you see now!

Squall: …Whatever. (Fangirls faint…again)

S.S.: Zidane, you grew up within Tantalus, the actor thieves (what is that?) whose leader should've been arrested by Child Services for beating you, all the while looking for your true home.

Zidane Tribal (FF9): Hey! Leave Tantalus out of this. They're not that bad.

S.S.: And Tidus, you hated your abusive father, who hated you more!

Tidus: Yeah…well…

S.S.: You four are telling me that you guys didn't have fucked-up childhoods?

4 Heroes: …

S.S.: Thought so. Finally, you also have to have deep personal issues with yourself.

Zidane: Personal issues?

S.S.: Don't get me started…again.

4 Heroes: Indulge us.

S.S.: (sighs) Tidus, you don't even exist. You're a dream of the Fayth, and you have issues with the fact.

(that Bahamut Fayth kid appears behind Tidus)

Fayth (FFX/X-2): He's right. You are a dream of the Fayth. And when our dream is over, you will-

Tidus: SHUT UP!

(Fayth looks sad and is about to cry. He IS a kid, after all!)

Fayth: sniff, sniff.

(Eiko and Vivi go over to him)

Vivi: Hey, you ok?

Fayth: I will be, thank you.

Eiko: You wanna play with us?

Fayth: (smiles) Ok.

(Eiko, Vivi, and Fayth run off and play)

S.S.: Zidane, you don't know where you come from, and when you found that out, you went plum loco!

Zidane: Uh, um yeah.

S.S.: Squall… don't get me started. Just don't. Please.

Squall: (glaring) …Whatever. (Fangirls faint…yet again)

Cloud: You're running out of fangirls, Squall.

Squall: I didn't ask for them. They're just doing it. (smiles) Besides, I have my own section. (points to left field bleachers, over to section known as "Squall's Fangirl section)

Cloud: Riiiiight.

S.S.: As for you, Cloud. Three words: You're – A – Puppet! And furthermore, you had an identity crisis in the middle of Disc 2!

Cloud: Bite me, you geek.

S.S.: (ignoring him) So, that's your formula to being a Final Fantasy hero. Pretty or Super Saiyajin hair, Fucked-up childhood, and deep personal issues with yourself. Add some training to that, and you've got yourself a hero.

Seifer Almasy(FF8) Or a mental case.

S.S.: That too. Now, for every hero there is a rival or villain. This is known as the Main Villain/Rival.(crowd boos)

Freya Crescent(FF9): Wow, Kuja. They really hate you guys.

Kuja(FF9): Piss off, rat girl.

Freya: (really pissed) …I'm gonna hurt you so bad, thong boy.

Kuja: (preparing to fight) Try it.

S.S.: Hey you two, that's enough. Now, for our villains: From FFX/X-2, we have The Psycho of Spira, Seymour Guado(evil smile with Yevon prayer. Crowd boos), The Terror of Terra, Kuja(does a bow, everyone in front boos. Everyone in back of him, laughs)

Kuja: (angry) What's so funny?

Selphie Tilmitt(FF8): (trying to hold back laughter) Nothing…

Kuja: Liar! What is it?

Kimarhi Ronso(FFX/X-2): Kuja's thong is showing. (laughs)

(everyone else laughs with him)

Kuja: (sad) You're not nice!

S.S.: (calming down laughter) Ok, ok. Anyway, we also have The Sorceress's Knight, Seifer Almasy (raises the Hyperion Gunblade, and is booed).

Seifer: Stow it, you losers!

S.S.: And finally, the most powerful villain in video game history. SquareSoft's most evil creation, and a true psycho, The One Winged Angel, Sephiroth! (smiles coldly and evilly, and is booed the hardest of them all)

Sephiroth (FF7): Pitiful mortals. You shall, all, die by my-

(Cloud holds Ultima Weapon under Sephiroth's throat)

Cloud: Try it, and you'll get Omnislashed. Got it?

Sephiroth: I dare you, you puppet!

Cloud: Don't tempt me, you loony!

S.S.: (getting pissed) HEY! I got a presentation to give. Settle this later, ok?

Sephiroth and Cloud: FINE! (They walk away from each other)

S.S.: Sheesh. Anyways, being a villain, you have to have pretty hair like the hero, be able to seduce the hero's girl, and have a rivalry with another character, besides the hero.

Seifer: Like Chicken Wuss and I (points to Zell)

Zell: What did you say?

Seifer: You heard me…Chicken Wuss.

Zell: (really pissed) I'm going to kill you!

S.S.: Hey, what did I just say to Cloud and Sephiroth? Settle it later, ok?

Seifer and Zell: FINE!

S.S.: Three near fights. Damn, I'm gonna need a drink later… Anyway, now on to the rest of the heroes team. First off, a hero is nothing without the lead female character, also known as the Hero's Love Interest. You have Lady Yuna of FFX/X-2 (does Yevon prayer, shoots her pistols in the air, and goes over to Tidus and kisses him)

Tidus: Uhhh… that's my girl?

Yuna(smiles): You better believe it, (holds gun to Tidus' neck and still smiling) or else…

Tidus(nervously): I do! I do!(looks over to Rikku and Paine) Help me…

S.S: Princess Garnet Til Alexandros the 17th, aka Dagger from FFIX (bows, goes over to Zidane and hugs him), Rinoa Heartilly of FFVIII (waves, goes over to Squall, and kisses him), and finally, Aerith Gainsborough of FFVII (Aerith begins to go over to Cloud, but…)

Tifa Lockhart(FF7): Hey! I'm Cloud's love interest! I ended up with him at the end of the game!

S.S.: Maybe, but he was obsessed with Aerith throughout most of the game!

Sephiroth: You know how annoying that is? Even when I killed her, she was still around! She never went away!

Aerith Gainsborough: See? So there. (sticks her tongue out at Tifa)

Tifa: No! It's me!

Aerith: ME! (Both girls start to argue, and everyone looks at Cloud)

Irvine Kinneas(FF8): Dude, how did you handle this?

Cloud: Simple. (recites 50 Cent) 'Cause I'm a mother-fuckin' P-I-M-P!

Tifa and Aerith: NO YOU'RE NOT! (beats the hell out of Cloud for 5 minutes, making him see stars, and then they walk away)

Wakka: Now what, pimp?

Cloud: Shut up.

S.S.: If I can continue, (looking over to the FF7 cast and they nod), the main female character's role is to worry about the hero, fall in love with the hero, change the hero's look on life, and is the number one magic user.

(a loud rumble goes through the stadium)

Auron(FFX/X-2): What was that?

Quina Quen(FF9): Oh, that just me. Me just very hungry. Where frogs?

S.S.: There aren't any frogs here, Quina.

Quina: No frogs? Quina sad now.

S.S.: (feeling bad) Awww, I'm sorry Quina. I'll get you something from KFC, during the break, ok?

Quina: Ok. Me feel better now.

Quistis: What break?

S.S.: This one. We're taking a short break. We'll be back next chapter with more! See you then!

* * *

**Author's Notes**: Well, that's the first chapter. Now, I have a mission for you guys. I'm working on a crossover, but I need your help, and no, I don't need you to say "backpack". I want you to vote for your favorite character in each category! With each category that I reveal in this fic, I want you guys to vote for your Favorite Final Fantasy Character in each. Here's a recap of the categories:

Hero: Cloud Strife (FF7), Squall Leonhart (FF8), Zidane Tribal (FF9), Tidus (FFX/X-2)

Villain: Sephiroth (FF7), Seifer Almasy (FF8), Kuja (FF9), Seymour Guado (FFX/X-2)

Heroine: Aerith Gainsborough (FF7), Rinoa Heartilly (FF8), Princess Garnet Til Alexandros the 17th aka Dagger (FF9), Yuna (FFX/X-2)

That's that. Now, go and vote, my lovely readers. Either vote with your review, or send your vote to my e-mail: .

Well, until next time, thanks for reading, please review, and…peace out! Holla!


	2. Friends, Geniuses, Annoyances, Trios, an...

Disclaimer: To avoid the extremely large disclaimer I had last chapter, I'll just keep it short and say "Standard Disclaimers Apply". There. I hope that's not a cop – out.

**So You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character**

**Episode 2: Best Friends, Geniuses, Annoyances, Trios, and Still More Fighting**

**By Southern Shinigami**

INT. Back at the Baseball Stadium in New York

All the Final Fantasy Characters from the Playstation Era and Southern Shinigami are still on the field, and S.S. continues on.

S.S.: Welcome back to our little jamboree! (characters groan) Ok, we've covered the hero, the villain, and the heroine. Now, we'll continue with the rest of the cast. First, there's the Ultimately Reliable Best Friend. In this category, we have Tifa Lockhart of Final Fantasy VII (jumps up and down, smiling, while every male… and Quistis Trepe look on)

Yuna: Um…you might want to stop that…

Tifa: (still jumping) Why?

Lulu: Because you're causing a lake of drool to form over by third base.

Tifa: Huh? (looks over to third base, and sees all the male characters, except Red XIII, and Vivi (he's just a kid!), drooling crazily. Quistis is there too, but she's not drooling) Ewww, gross! (stops jumping) Grow up, you perverts!

Wakka: Dat was sure somethin', ya?

Irvine: It sure was, man. It sure was.

Amarant: I'd like an encore.

Quistis: Oh my… _I might have to go change…_

S.S.: (shakes out of daze) Anyway, we also have Zell Dincht of Final Fantasy VIII (does the routine from his opening FMV in FFVIII)

Tifa: I can do that!

Yuffie: So can I!

Steiner: Sure you could.

Cait Sith: Riiiiight.

Tifa and Yuffie: We could!

S.S.: From Final Fantasy IX, there's Vivi Orunitia (bows and waves), and finally Wakka of Final Fantasy X/X-2 (does victory pose). Hey, there's been something I've been meaning to ask you Spirans. Why don't you guys have last names?

Wakka: Dunno. Maybe SquareSoft got a little lazy, eh?

Rikku: Maybe they just forgot?

Tidus: Maybe we'll never know(shrugs shoulders).

Yuna: The truth is out there…(everyone looks toward the sky as the "X-Files" theme plays over the P.A. system).

S.S.: Where'd that come from?

**In the P.A. Booth…**

Elena: Was that a good idea?

Reno: Elena, don't be so thoughtful.

Rude: Besides, we're Turks. We can do whatever we want.

**Back on the field…**

S.S.: Y-yeah. Next, you have a character who's the intellectual of the group. Not to mention witty and deadly.

Zidane: So, the group's brain?

S.S.: Yep. Fitting that description is Red XIII, or Nanaki (Red bows), Quistis Trepe (cracks her whip, smiles, and winks. Fanboys sigh), Freya Crescent (twirls her lance and nods), and Lulu (who bows low, giving all a show).

Irvine: (drooling…again) Man, that's beautiful…

Cid H.: You ain't fuckin' kiddin'!

Barret: (tear comes to his eye) I have seen the glory!

Wakka: (getting angry) Hey! Keep your eyes in your sockets brudda, or they'll be gone, permanently!

Barret: (pointing Missing Score at Wakka) Oh yeah? You're a fool and I pity you. I'm gonna deflate that ball of yours, Rooster Head!

Wakka: (getting World Champion ready) Gimme your best shot, you Mr. T reject!

S.S.: Hey! What did I say to the others? There will be no fighting! You can do that later, got it?

Wakka and Barret: FINE!

S.S.: That's it! I'm gonna need some help to keep this peace. (turns to the bullpen, and taps his right shoulder. 4 seconds later, out of the bullpen comes…)

Selphie: INCUBUS KITTEN!

(Incubus Kitten comes running in from the bullpen, and meets Southern Shinigami at the pitcher's mound)

Incubus Kitten: Hey, what's up Shini?

S.S.: These guys are one step closer to the edge, and are about to break. You mind helping me keep the peace here?

I.K.: Sure, why not? Where are you up to now?

S.S.: Oh, that would be the character that gets on everybody's nerves.

I.K.: You mean-

S.S.: Yep. The character known as the Slightly Annoying Whiny Bossy High Pitched Ninja Girl.

Steiner: That's a very long title. Who fits the description?

S.S.: I'm glad you asked. From Final Fantasy X/X-2, we have Rikku!

Rikku: (appalled) What? Annoying?

I.K.: Yes. Annoying. You're like the Christina Aguliera of video games!

Rikku: Screw you! That's not very nice!

I.K.: It wasn't meant to be.

S.S.: Continuing on, we also have Eiko Carol of Final Fantasy IX.

Eiko: (whining) I'm not annoying!

Vivi: Oh, yes you are. Throughout most of Disc 2! Like when you were being bossy towards me, thinking you were older!

Eiko: So?

Vivi: I'm the one with the kids at the end of the game!

S.S.: How did that happen, anyway?

Vivi: I can't tell.

Eiko: Hey! I'm the subject here! And I'm not annoying!

Vivi: You're as annoying as an Olsen twin!

Eiko: (charging up a Holy attack) You're gonna get it, if you don't TAKE THAT BACK!

Vivi: (charging up an Ultima attack) MAKE ME!

I.K.: HEY! You two wanna go in the corner?

Eiko and Vivi: No.

I.K.: Then, BEHAVE!

Eiko and Vivi: Yes, Incubus Kitten.

S.S.: There's also Selphie Tilmitt of Final Fantasy VIII.

Selphie: I am not annoying!

S.S.: Oh yeah? Let's see. There's your "happy happy" act. You want everyone to be happy, even when the chips are wayy down, and, oh yes, three words: I-LIKE-TRAINS!

I.K.: You're like Fighter from Final Fantasy I going "I like swords".

(Suddenly, out of nowhere, Fighter appears)

Fighter (FF1): Yo, did someone call me?

S.S.: Fighter, what are you doing here?

Fighter: Researching Sword-Chucks, yo!

Steiner: I don't think that gonna work, young man.

Fighter: Oh sure it will! I'll show you when I get it together. Byeeee!

(Fighter walks off)

S.S.: And finally, we have Yuffie Kisrargi from Final Fantasy VII.

Yuffie: (obviously angry) You take that back!

S.S.: Why? It's the truth.

Yuffie: Prove it!

S.S.: Your whining at Cosmo Canyon, your thievery at Wutai, your whining when you joined the team, your annoyance on the Highwind, need I go on?

Yuffie: (shakes fist) Eh, shut it!

S.S.: Ok, next category i-

Yuffie: You think you're soooo smart, just because you're the host. Well, let me tell you, you're not!

S.S.: Ok, ok.

Yuffie: You're more likely to be the dumbest here, if Incubus Kitten wasn't around.

I.K.: What did you say?

Yuffie: You heard me, you dumb slut!

I.K.: I'M A WHAT? THAT"S IT! (runs into the dugout)

Red XIII(FF7): That probably wasn't a good idea, Yuffie.

Yuffie: Who gives a flying fuck! I'm not annoying, and this author is stupid! Who gave him a license to write, anyways? That loser! (While Yuffie is going on and on, everyone, but her, sees Incubus Kitten return with a high – pressured water cannon, and a look of malice. Everyone, except Yuffie, scatters like roaches when the lights come on to give IK room) Hey! Where'd everyone go?

I.K.: HEY NINJA BITCH! TURN AROUND! (gets the cannon ready)

Yuffie: Huh? What are yo- (Yuffie gets blasted with a blast of water, the strength of a Leviathan Tidal Wave, sending her into the Left Field Bleachers…where Squall's Fangirl section is…or was)

Squall: (distraught) MY FANGIRLS! NOOOOOOOOO!

Cloud: Like you needed them.

Squall: They were for my ego. It's nice to have a cheering section, you know.

Cloud: (thinks about it) Good point.

S.S.: Oh Yevon, the owner's gonna make me pay more on this, now.

I.K.: I'm sorry about that. Yuffie just really pissed me off.

S.S.: Do you feel better now, at least?

I.K.: Yeah, I do. It was fun.

S.S.: Then, it's cool. Can I continue?

I.K.: Yes, you may. (kisses S.S. on the cheek)

S.S.: Thank you. sigh Anyways, on to the next category. In most of these games, there's a group of three that either provide back story, or help move the game along. They're the Wacky Trio. You've got, from FFX/X-2, LeBlanc, Logos, and Ormi.

LeBlanc: Well boys, It looks like we've made our way into the re-write of this fic. I think we've made it better, don't you loves?

Logos: We sure did, boss.

Ormi: Yeah, it's a good thing X-2 came out during his lockout, or we wouldn't even be here.

S.S.: From FFIX, we got Marcus, Cinna, and Blank of Tantalus

Cinna: I'm hungry.

Marcus: You're always hungry.

Cinna: What's your point?

Blank: You're like a hobbit, eating ten times a day.

Cinna: Take that back!

Blank: No.

S.S.: OK, from FFVIII, we got the legendary trio of Laguna, Kiros, and Ward! (crowd cheers)

Laguna: Thank you, thank you! We love you all!

Kiros: There he goes, being full of himself again.

Ward: …

Kiros: My thoughts exactly. He is, as one would say, conceited.

Laguna: I heard that!

Kiros: I know.

S.S.: And from FFVII, we have the Turks, Reno, Rude, and Elena!

Elena: Hey, I don't know what's going on, but you're a dork, you know that?

Reno: Elena, don't insult the author. It's far from right.

Rude: Besides, we're Turks. He'll get his later.

S.S.: (looking very nervous) Uh….ok, time to take a break. We'll be back after this. (starts running) CLOUD!

* * *

**Author's Notes**:Ok, I think I have to explain Incubus Kitten. She's a fellow writer and a long – time close and personal friend. How close and personal? That's between us. However, I urge to check out some of her fics. She's a pretty good writer, too. So, do that for me, ok?

Anyways, here's this chapter's categories:

Best Friend: Tifa Lockhart (FF7), Zell Dincht (FF8), Vivi Orunitia (FF9), Wakka (FFX/X-2)

Strategy Person: Red XIII (FF7), Quistis Trepe (FF8), Freya Crescent (FF9), Lulu (FFX/X-2)

Slightly Annoying Whiny Bossy High Pitched Ninja Girl: Yuffie Kisaragi (FF7), Selphie Tilmitt (FF8), Eiko Carol (FF9), Rikku (FFX/X-2)

Wacky Trio: Reno, Rude, Elena (FF7), Laguna, Kiros, Ward (FF8), Marcus, Cinna, Blank (FF9), LeBlanc, Logos, Ormi(FFX/X-2)

Hey, by the way, just because I'm putting up this chapter with another group to vote on, doesn't mean you guys can't still vote on the first group in the first chapter. I'm keeping voting open until the end of the year. By that time, I should have the complete story idea finished and ready to use who you guys voted on.

So, read, review, vote, and enjoy! Later!


	3. Special Edition

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is a creation of Hironobu Sakaguchi, and is owned by SquareSoft, a division of Square Enix, co. Not me. Also, Breath of Fire is not mine, and I don't remember who made it. Xenogears/Xenosaga was created by Namco, and not me. I also do not own the National Hockey League. If I did, that lockout would've ended a long time ago. Anything else that's mentioned, I don't own it.

And now (and finally), on with the fic!

**So, You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character?**

**Special Edition: Why This Chapter Took So Damn Long **

We finally return to the baseball stadium in New York

Southern Shinigami: Hey everyone! Just like Family Guy, after a long hiatus, we're back!

(Final Fantasy characters give a sarcastic "yay")

S.S.: Now, I know you're wondering why the continuation of this story took so long.

Seifer: I bet you they're not.

S.S.: Doesn't matter what you think.

Seifer: Bite me.

S.S.: Anyways, the reason this took so long is the same reason everything takes so long: Labor Disputes.

Paine: Of course, blame the union.

S.S.: No, not my union. Your union. Mainly, your union rep and my agent.

Zell: Man, what the hell happened?

S.S.: Well…

Paine: Oh great, not a flashback.

S.S.: Sorry, but yep. Flashback time…

(Flashback to 2 weeks after the second chapter came out. S.S.'s agent and the Final Fantasy union representative are arguing. S.S.'s narrative will be in Italics)

S.S.'s agent: I told you, there's not enough money in the budget!

FF union rep: Well, you're gonna have to figure out a way to get the money or they strike!

S.S.'s agent: You're threatening to strike? What if we decide to lock your people out? HA!

FF union rep: Oh please! You lock us out? You can't!

S.S.'s agent: We can! And we'll get other characters!

FF union rep: Who? Those guys from "Breath of Fire"? Xenogears? HA! You and I both know that the Final Fantasy casts are ratings grabbers. You need us more than we need you!

S.S.'s agent: Oh yeah?

FF union rep: Yeah!

S.S.'s agent: Well, guess what?

FF union rep: What?

S.S.'s agent: LOCKOUT!

My agent called me and told me what he did. I swear, it's the last time I let family handle anything.

S.S.: You locked them out? What the hell's a matter with you? What are you, an idiot?

S.S.'s agent: Look, they were being difficult. Besides, don't worry about it. I'll take care of you. I've already got some new people lined up.

S.S.: (suspeciously) Who?

S.S.'s agent: …The guys from "Breath of Fire".

S.S.: WHAT!

S.S.'s agent: Surprised?

S.S.: No, disgusted! They suck!

S.S.'s agent: Well, how about the cast from "Xenosaga"?

S.S.: NO! I want Final Fantasy! Get it done, or I'm telling your mom!

S.S.'s agent: Oh, come on!

_Unfortunately, their union rep didn't wanna talk, he wanted results. He wanted his people to have more money. But with the stadium rent, the repairs to Squall's fangirl section, and Incubus Kitten's appearance, it was kinda hard to. So, the lockout went on, and I was without a fic for a long while. Until…_

A year later…

S.S.'s agent: Good news!

S.S.: You got my cast back?

S.S.'s agent: Close. I got the Final Fantasy VIII cast back!

S.S.: What?

_Apparently, he was able to, only, get back the cast of FFVIII. He had a deal with the FF union rep, but only enough to get Squall and the cast of his game._

S.S.: Dude, I can't finish the fic with just one group. I need the rest of them!

S.S.'s agent: I'm working on it, give me time! Can't you do anything with these guys?

_I could've, but I didn't. Why? Two reasons:_

_I was being lazy, and 2) I wanted EVERYONE!_

_So, that's when I decided to hold auditions for new casts. I got a lot of good vibes, and a lot of ideas, but I needed a cast. But, nothing. Not even the "Red vs. Blue" cast, the one that impressed me the most, did anything for me. I needed Final Fantasy! It was a few months later, and I was about to slam my head against the wall, when suddenly my phone rang._

S.S.: Hello?

S.S.'s agent: Double S, I have good news for you!

S.S.: If it's anything about your car insurance, I'm going to hurt you…

S.S.'s agent: No, no! I got them back! I got everyone back!

S.S.: Everyone?

S.S.'s agent: Everyone!

S.S.: How?

_The deal was to use 2 groups of members for the Final Fantasy universe in additional fics, and about a 20 pay raise, and a slight rewrite to include Final Fantasy X-2 members._

S.S.: Are you telling me that that was all they wanted?

S.S.'s agent: They wanted more, but we compromised.

S.S.'s agent: I'm going to kill you, you know that. Right?

(Flashback end)

S.S.: Soooooo, we're back!

(Another sarcastic "yay")

Tidus: I feel like I'm in the NHL…

S.S.: Hey, they're back too, okay? So, what's the big change? Aside from FFX and FFX-2 characters being grouped together, that's pretty much it.

Tifa: So, Chapters 1 and 2 have been fixed?

S.S.: Yep, and lookout for Chapter 3! We're back, baby!

Vincent: I can hardly wait…

S.S.: I love your enthusiasm…

* * *

**Author's notes**: Okay, I know it's been awhile since I written. But, things have happened that have taken me away from completing this. But, since someone out there liked this and asked if this could be finished, this is for you and anyone else whose liked this fic. Ideas have been scarce, but if I can't write a few and better fic, I'm gonna, at least, finish this one. I promise.

So, with that, look out for Episode 3: Comics, Loyals, Silents, Cids, and Those Who Fight Further. Until then, see ya'!


	4. Comics, Loyals, Silents, Cids, and Those

Disclaimer: I own nothing. So there.

**So You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character**

**Episode 3: Comics, Loyals, Silents, Cids, and Those Who Fight Further**

**By Southern Shinigami**

Back at the Stadium..

Southern Shinigami: Welcome to the freshest chapter of "So You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character"!

Yuffie: Whoopie freakin' doo. I can't believe this thing is back. Crap.

Incubus Kitten: Well, it would've been sooner, if it wasn't for your union rep.

S.S.: Yeah, who was that anyway?

Tidus: Hey, has anyone seen Seymour?

_Meanwhile, at a strip club in the city…_

Seymour: (holding a drink in one hand, and a bunch of dollar bills in the other) WHOOHOO! Yeah, baby! Yevon has blessed you well! Take it off, you sexy thing, you! Take-It-Off!

_Back at the stadium…_

S.S.: Oh well, let's move on to the next category: The Comic Relief! This is the character that provides humor - on purpose or not on purpose – whenever it's needed. These characters are: Cait Sith of Final Fantasy VII(bounces up and down and waves), Laguna Loire of Final Fantasy VIII.

Laguna: I'm a Comic Relief character? Are you serious?

Kiros: Like you couldn't even imagine, Laguna.

S.S.: Quina Quen of Final Fantasy IX(he, uh, she, um… it bounces up and down). Ugh, that's disturbing, and finally, Wakka of Final Fantasy X/X-2!

Wakka: Comic Relief, eh?

Seifer: Heh, just looking at you is funny, har har har!

(Wakka throws a blitzball at Seifer's head, and connects!)

Seifer: OW! Who did that?

(I.K. glares at Wakka)

Wakka: What?

I.K.: What did I tell you, two chapters ago?

Wakka: (like a scolded child) No fighting.

I.K.: Good. I'm not telling you again, damnit.

(Selphie comes over to Wakka)

Selphie: Seifer asked me to give you this.

(She hands him a note)

Wakka: What's this? (He opens the note)

_**Rooster Head, **_

_**You.**_

_**Me.**_

_**Ass-kicking in the parking lot.**_

_**After the fic, punk!**_

Seifer 

S.S.: Anyways, to the next category. There's always a silent one in the bunch, and the silent one usually does the most violence. We call these the "Silent, but Violent" gang.

(giggles are heard coming from the immature ones of the cast: Aerith, Yuffie, Zell, Selphie, Zidane, Vivi, Eiko, Tidus, Yuna , Wakka, and Rikku)

S.S.: What?

Zidane: Dude, you said "Silent, but Violent"…

S.S.: Heh, guess I did. In this group are Paine of FFX/X-2(swings sword around and does victory pose), Amarant Coral of FFIX(does his victory pose), Irvine Kinneas of FFVIII(shoots gun in air… accidentaly killing a pigeon).

Irvine: Sorry…

S.S.: Man. ASPCA and PETA are gonna fry me for that. And rounding out the group, Vincent Valentine of FFVII(does something out of "Batman", and lands behind Yuffie)

Vincent: Boo.

Yuffie: AAAAHHHHHHH!(runs away screaming)

S.S.: Jeez, someone go get her. Okay, what's next?(checks his script) Oh yeah! The ones you can depend on! If you're ever in a pinch, they'll be there to help. They are the "Loyals"! The Loyals are Barrett Wallace, AVALANCE founder, in FFVII(does victory pose), Zell Dincht, member of SeeD, in FFVIII(does his victory pose), Adelbert Steiner, captain of the Knights of Pluto, in FFIX.

Steiner: (raises his sword)For Alexandria! Yeeargh!(charges off somewhere… like an idiot)

Zidane: What an idiot…

S.S.: And finally… well actually, there are two in FFX/X-2: Sir Auron and Kimarhi Ronso!

Kimarhi: Kimarhi more loyal than Sir Auron. Kimarhi better than Auron.

Rinoa: That's not nice! What makes you say that?

Kimahri: (points over to Auron) Look over there.

(Rinoa looks over to Auron… who is insanely drunk)

Auron: (to Kuja) Hey there miss, you come here often?

Kuja: Get the hell away from me, you drunken moron!

Auron: How 'bout we go somewhere private, eh?

Kuja: I don't date drunkards. (slips Auron a piece of paper) But, call me when you're sober. (Everyone looks at Kuja) What?

Tifa: Something you wanna tell us, Kuja?

Kuja: Um… uh… (looks at S.S.) Hey! Don't you have a chapter to finish?

S.S.: Oh yeah! Now, to the last part of this chapter. One of the constants in the Final Fantasy series is the Cid character. In every Final Fantasy game, there is a Cid, playable or non playable, that always moves the story along, and is usually the pilot of an airship. Here are your Cids. Cid Highwind, pilot of the Highwind airship, of Final Fantasy VII.

Cid H.: 'Bout time you f#$n' introduced us, you dumb s#!t!

Quistis: Again! Children!

Cid H: Shut up, already!

S.S.: There's also Cid Kramer, headmaster of Balamb Garden , in Final Fantasy VIII(waves), Regent Cid Fabool, ruler of Lindblum and builder of the Hilde Garde airship, from Final Fantasy IX(bows), and finally, Cid the Al Bhed, from Final Fantasy X/X-2. He's Rikku's dad, Al Bhed leader, and captain of the airship… uh, um… what the hell is that ship called again?

Al Bhed Cid: It's the Celsius, you moron!

S.S.: Got it!

Rikku: Dad…

S.S.: Well, that's this chapter! The final chapter's comin' soon!

Sephiroth: You mean this thing is almost over?

S.S.: Uh, yeah? (Everyone applauds) Jerks. Anyways, just stay tuned.

* * *

**Author's Notes**: Well, that's this chapter! Here's a quick recap:

Comic Relief: Cait Sith, Laguna Loire, Quina Quen, Wakka

Silent, but Violent: Vincent Valentine, Irvine Kinneas, Amarant Coral, Paine

Loyals: Barrett Wallace, Zell Dincht, Adelbert Steiner, Auron, Kimahri Ronso

Cids: Cid Highwind, Cid Kramer, Regent Cid Fabool, Cid the Al Bhed

Who's your favorite? Let me know… please? And stay tuned for the next chapter! Summons will be the topic in that one. Oh, and there's gonna be a musical number in the next one! Keep reading! See Ya'!


	5. Summons, Evil Corporations, Ultimate Vil

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is a creation of Hironobu Sakaguchi, and is owned by SquareSoft, a division of Square Enix, co. Not me. Meowth, of course, is a Pokemon, and Pokemon was created by Satoshi Tajri, and is owned by Game Freak, Ltd., and Nintendo. The "Knights of the Round Table" song is copyrighted by Monty Python, and is another thing that I don't own. Mainly 'cause I couldn't come up with something that funny anyways.

**Here's Chapter 4. Fresh in '05, you suckas!**

**Incubus Kitten: What the hell was that?**

**Southern Shinigami: Sorry. Here's the chapter.**

**So You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character**

**By Southern Shinigami**

**Chapter 4: Evil Corporations, Summons, Ultimate Villains, and Camelot!**

Back at the Baseball Stadium…

Southern Shinigami: Welcome back to "So, You Wanna Be a Final Fantasy Character"!

Kuja: Did I mention how much I think this sucks?

S.S.: Did I mention how much I think you suck?

Paine: Figuratively or literally?

S.S.: (shrugs) Can it be both?

Kuja: How dare you! You know what I can do to you?

S.S.: I can do a lot more to you.

Kuja: (powering up and getting really angry) Oh yeah!

S.S.: Yeah, I'm the frickin' author.

Zidane: (sees Kuja, and goes into leader mode) Uh oh… Dagger, Vivi, Rusty, get ready for battle. Freya, you and the others get ready to back us up.

FFIX team: Right!

Squall: What are you doing?

Zidane: Possibly saving our asses from Kuja.

Squall: (brushes back hair, and smiles) Whatever.

(Squall's Fangirl Section goes crazy)

Squall's Fangirl #47: Oh my God, I love you Squall!

Squall's Fangirl #78: I love you, Squall! Marry me, Squall!

(lighting bolt hits #78, everyone looks at Rinoa)

Rinoa: Anyone else wanna say that? (they shake their heads no) I didn't think so…

Kuja: Well, Mr. So called "author" prepare for (turns into Trance Kuja and levitates) OBLIVION!

S.S.: (looks at Trance Kuja) One that has no preparation? I'm so scared… (to Seifer and Sephiroth) Do you guys really use that line?

Sephiroth: Apparently and unfortunately. It's in the villain handbook.

Cloud: There's a handbook?

Seifer: We also have fund-raising nights, field trips, stuff like that.

T. Kuja: (points at S.S., and charges up a) FLARE STAR!

Zidane: (to his troops) Let's go! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Trance Kuja fires Flare Star at S.S., but)

S.S.: (snaps his fingers, and makes the Flare Star disappear) What Flare Star?

T. Kuja: But…but…but… (S.S. snaps his fingers again, and Kuja's back to normal and chained up in the bullpen area of the stadium) Crap… (Zidane and his team fall as Kuja disappears)

Incubus Kitten: What happened to your "No fighting" rule?

S.S.: What? I didn't touch him. I sent him to the pen.

Aerith: (to Zidane) What's wrong, Zidane? You wanted to fight Kuja, didn't you?

Zidane: I was lookin' forward to it.

S.S.: Okay, now that that's taken care of-

(Seymour, just now, gets back to the stadium, hiding a bra in his jacket)

Seymour: Hello everyone, what did I miss? Where's Kuja?

Seifer: Where were you?

Seymour: Hey, don't change the subject. Besides, what happens at the Sexy Land, stays at Sexy Land.

S.S.: Hey! I'm trying to start here!

Seymour: My apologies. Do go ahead.

S.S.: Thank you. First up, another mainstay in Final Fantasy, there's always a ruling company, government, or religion that's causing part of the trouble that the good guys have to take care of.

Cloud, Squall, Zidane, and Tidus: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, DAMNIT!

S.S.: So, here it is, the Evil Organizations! First up, from Final Fantasy X, run by Maesters Mika, Kinoc, Kelk Ronso, and Seymour Guado, the church of Yevon! (crowd boos)

Mika: Yevon loves you, and you love Yevon… or else.

Someone in crowd: Or else what?

Mika: Uh… we'll send you to the Via Purfico?

Someone in crowd: That place is dumb, it's stupid!

Mika: You're stupid!

S.S.: Moving right along, from Final Fantasy IX, Garnet's other hometown, Alexandria, ruled by Queen Brahme! (huge, gelatinous blob, known as Queen Brahme, snarls. Crowd boos)

Brahme: Oh, shut your traps, before I have Zorn and Thorn start using Eidolons!

Zorn: And, do it we will!

Thorn: And we will do it!

S.S.: Right. Next up, we have the country of Galbadia, from Final Fantasy VIII, run by Victor Delzing and Sorceress Edea! (crowd boos, Edea kills Victor)

Edea: Ha ha ha ha! Stupid fool, that Victor! I rule Galbadia!

S.S.: Uh… and finally, from Final Fantasy VII, we have the Shinra Corporation, run by Rufus Shinra! (brushes hair back, and winks. Some of Squall's Fangirls squeal for him)

Squall, uh Shinra Fangirl: I love you, Rufus!

Squall: HEY! … poser…

S.S.: Time for the next category. OK, it's the end of the game, and you've beaten the main boss, and you think you're done. But then…

I.K.: And I hate it when this happens…

S.S.: There's another frickin' boss, who has little or no relevance to the damn story or you don't hear about this boss until later in the story, and this is your only encounter with them, and you're totally unprepared! This is what we call the-

I.K.: "How In The Hell Are You The Final Boss?"

S.S.: First off, from Final Fantasy VII, we have Sephiroth's mommy, Jenova. I mean, seriously, aren't you supposed to be dead? Well, isn't she, Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: You forget, I am a go-

Cloud: Oh, shut up with that.

Tifa: Please. Gods aren't supposed to be beaten, right?

Sephiroth: …Shut up.

S.S.: From Final Fantasy VIII, we have Sorceress Ultimecia. (turns to Ultimecia) All we know about you is that you possessed people, and in the end, you weren't that hard to beat. Remind us, what's your purpose again?

Ultimecia: Kurse you, Shinigami. You're the irrelevant one.

I.K.: Mighty hard case of Dyslexia there, huh Ultimecia?

Ultimecia: Shut up.

S.S.: Next up, from Final Fantasy IX, we have Necron. I think I'll have Incubus Kitten vent on this one.

I.K.: How the fuck are you the final boss? You aren't mentioned at all throughout the entire game! Zidane and his gang beat up that thong wearing cockbite(points to Kuja in the bullpen, who gives her the finger), he destroys a crystal, and then you show up! What the fuck is your purpose?

Necron:… filler?

S.S.: And finally, in this section, we have Yu Yevon from Final Fantasy X. He's Sin. No one knows this until the end of the game. At least Shuyin was relevant… somewhat.

Shuyin: Hey, I have relevance!

Tidus: You're a ghost!

Shuyin: You're a dream!

Bahamut Fayth: You're both the same.

Shuyin and Tidus: SHUT UP!

S.S.: And finally, our last category.

Seifer: Are you certain? Don't you lie to me.

S.S.: Quiet Seifer. This one is another Final Fantasy staple. The summons! Now, instead of going down the entire list of summons because most of it is repetitive,

I.K.: You know, with Shiva, Ifrit, Bahamut, Ramuh…

S.S.: There's a great deal of summons, you know. Especially in VII, with that number-

Kuja: Get on with it.

Wakka: Yes, get on with it.

Squall's Fangirl Section: YEAH, GET ON WITH IT!

S.S.: Okay, okay. We'll give you the ultimate summons. Since the ultimate ones are usually the last ones obtained, from Final Fantasy X, we have Final Fantasy IV's reformed villains, Cindy, Sandy, and Mandy, the Magus Sisters!

Cindy: Hi, I'm Cindy

Sandy: Yo, I'm Sandy

Mandy: And, I'm Mandy

Magus Sisters: And we're the Magus Sisters!

S.S.: I just told them that.

Cindy: We like to do the presentation.

S.S.: Ah ha… moving right along, from Final Fantasy IX, we have The Ark! (The Ark roars) creepy… Next, from Final Fantasy VIII, we have Eden, the… well… uh… I'm not sure what Eden is, really. But, she's powerful as all hell.

Seifer and Ultimecia: You got that right!

S.S.: And finally, we have… man this is dumb…

Seifer: Oh, you _finally_ realized it?

S.S.: Shut up, Seifer.

I.K.: What?

S.S.: They wanna introduce themselves.

I.K.: So? Let them.

S.S.: It's dumb, but okay. (calls to the booth) Yo, Meowth!

Meowth: Yeah, Shinigami?

S.S.: Play that tape, and spotlight on the stage in Center field!

(Meowth puts the spotlight on the stage, and puts in an instrumental of "Knights of the Round Table")

S.S.: Ladies and Gentlemen, from Final Fantasy VII…

KOTR: **_We're Knights of the Round Table_**

**_ We dance when we'er able_**

**_ We do routines, and chorus scenes,_**

**_ And footwork impeccable._**

**_ We dine well here in Camelot_**

**_ We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot._**

I.K.: It's uh… it's not that bad.

S.S.: It's about to get worse…

KOTR: **_We're Knights of the Round Table_**

**_Our shows are for – mid – able._**

**_ But many times, we're given rhymes_**

**_ That arequite un – sing – able_**

**_ We're opera mad in Camelot_**

**_ We sing from the diaphragm a lot!_**

Lulu: This is ridiculous

Kuja: (clapping) I like it.

Freya: You would. Wait, are they tap dancing.

I.K.: This is getting dumber by the minute.

Irvine: I feel dumber, just by watching it.

KOTR: **_In war, we're tough and able_**

**_ Quite inde – fatig – able._**

**_ Between our quests, we sequin vests,_**

**_And impersonate Clark Gable_**

**_ It's a busy life in Camelot_**

Lone Knight: **_I have to push the pram a lot…_**

S.S.: Okay… that was inexplicably bad… (to I.K.) See why I didn't wanna do it?

I.K.: Okay, you made your point. You happy now?

S.S.: That's all I wanted to hear.

Kimahri: Kimahri head hurt. Kimahri need Tylenol.

Red XIII: You and I both.

Steiner: Why are you people complaining? I liked it.

Zidane: That's because you look like one of them, Rusty.

Steiner: I do, don't I?

S.S.: Well that's it! That's the end! That's the end of this fic. I'd like to thank my partner in crime, Incubus Kitten, who held down the law. (crowd claps, she waves, and goes back to verbally abusing Necron)

I.K.: You're worthless! You're useless! You make no point whatsoever!

S.S.: I would also like to thank the cast members of Final Fantasy's VII, VIII, IX, and X/X-2 for being such good sports, and besides, we wouldn't have this, if not for them. (some cast members stare at each other, knowing that they will be fighting afterward)

S.S.: Thanks to my board operator, Meowth, and to you, the reader, Thank You, and Good Night!

* * *

Well, that's that. That's the end of this fic… or is it? Anyways, here's a recap of the categories: 

Evil Organization: Shinra Corporation (FF7), Galbadia (FF8), Alexandria (FF9), Church of Yevon (FFX/X-2)

How The Hell Are You The Final Villain: Jenova (FF7), Sorceress Ultimecia (FF8), Necron (FF9), Yu Yevon (FFX/X-2)

Ultimate Summon: Knights of the Round (FF7), Eden (FF8), The Ark (FF9), Magus Sisters (FFX/X-2)

There we go. Now, you know what to do. Go ahead, and let me know which one you like. Stay tuned for another chapter: The Aftermath.

Read and review, y'all. See ya!


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